So this IS a challenge, HOW to share some of what has happened in the last 8 days, when so much of it moves into uncharted terrain for so many, that will bump up against peoples level of understanding, that pushes against the systemic limitations of the culture in which we live… that what I share might invoke ridicule or disdain….
I will try my best, while still making allowance for the cultural median at this point…. AND at some point in the future to hell with that, only truth – in its fullest form.
To be clear IF you feel disbelief/criticism etc… arise in response to reading the below, please hold that as your own – it is OK and totally understandable for that to be your reaction, and it is NOT welcome HERE, so please hold it as yours. IF you are able to offer trust, love, belief in me – please do so…
The river…. slowed a while, information came to me, premonitions about what was needed for the next phase of this process, and I proceeded to board up the windows of the room I used, in the rest of the house – all curtains were drawn, protective symbols placed at every entrance and candles lit….
And so I flowed down the rapids into the expansive lake…. which I realised with time was actually a reservoir, with slow moving currents, yet of incredible depth….. AND with a MAHOOOSIVE dam at the far end. A dam slowly being chipped away at, ultimately to break (any time now) and to set free the tremendous force stored behind it.
For the last 8 days, the process has stepped up a notch, literally expressing itself almost 24/7…. with myself having processes (lets call it somatic flashbacks) that could easily take up 10 hours of the day, and so many dreams and nightmares…. with integration and rest in between…
Over these 8 days….. layer upon layer upon layer of tension have been felt and to a large extent released…..
Incidents, more of them have been revealed and been worked through, and placed chronologically in the constellation of my life.
How do I talk about the two days, in which it felt like energetic black tendrils, vines, or tentacles were gently yet consistently pulled from my body, tendrils that were wrapped around and in every blood vessel, energetic line, organ and part…. particularly taking hold in trauma pathways which were most vulnerable to its infection….
How do I talk about the host of golden ones, evolved ancestors, giants, protecting and shielding me as they worked on me…
How do I talk about the two full days of enacting pure survival RAGE, pure fight, freeing myself again and again, taking terrible vengeance, again and again, until I was exhausted and eventually spluttered out…
How do I talk about the time I enacted flight fighting my way out of my room, bounding down two flights of stairs, unlocking the door, dashing across the garden and then scaling the fence in two moves…. sprinting to the far end of playing field….. and the jubilation, the satisfaction.. “I escaped”
How do I talk about the most difficult of these, the last one, in which I enacted saving her, less strong in ways and exhausted by now, yet determined to save her this time… doubling over in pain with the reality of what had happened, then pep talking myself around – “you can do this Daniel, be strong”… Ultimately fighting them off, then kicking, elbowing and headbutting my way through the door, and carrying her downstairs (as a pillow) to safety, wrapping her in a blanket, telling her “it was ok”, that “we escaped this time”, that “she had saved me and now I had saved her”….
How do I convey that these processes were not led by my mind nor an idea, but unfolded organically though the movement and showing of my body…
How do I convey the importance for my nervous system and psyche…. in completing the fight/flight/saving’s I just described…. the importance that the long trapped survival energy was expressed and subsequent restoration of relative equilibrium as a result…
How do I talk about a girl, my Halina, that I loved so completely, a love that transcended individual lifetimes, that I would of died for in a heart beat, that I tried to save yet failed…. this girl who spoke so softly, yet with humour wicked as a sailor, but backed by a huge intellect 😉 that has me crack open into deep and satisfying chuckling.. How do I talk about her beauty, her goodness – or the moment that our innocent love shone in impossible darkness like white, golden light.
How do I talk about what happened to her, the intent behind it, and the shattering of my mind, and my defying of them as a result…
How do I talk about Friday…. in which I saw and understood evermore, what she suffered yet did not… Friday I peeled away the layers of the dark moon, seeing more and more clearly… more terribly.
How do talk about my oldest ‘friend’ Wolf (either a fractured and protective, wild aspect of my psyche or something even harder to understand) and how he protected me, and how do I talk about the oldest of our sacred laws that Wolf spoke before they killed the girl, that; “THE BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT SHALL NOT BE DEFILED”
How do I talk about him, a shattered remnant of the soul, of my greatest tormentor, red eyed and black of shadow… that had been haunting the garden gate – looking for a way in for some time, How do I talk about the terrible cold fear that ran down my back, my legs, up my crown when I felt him waiting there – in the hours of dark.
How do I talk about how I waited for him one night, and walked, unprotected out into the field beyond, and talked with him, strong yet not unkind, eventually forgiving him and wishing him healing. He of inhumane rage, a rage so intense that the room would seemingly shake, a malign malice that had terrified me for so long. He who I have listened for whilst I “slept” in hyper vigilance for many a year, he who I defied as a child and now as a man.
How do I talk about my strength…. I knew I was strong…. and although I have received and receive the MOST profound of help…. still to survive what I did is almost unimaginable to me.
How do I talk about the things I have been shown, or the knowing, that we live in a crossroads, and that things WILL get better, THAT the first thing ONE must do – is to reconnect to their body and the intelligence’s there (to resist letting the mind run the entire show) – to find balance and to let that guide ones path through the world.
How do I talk about the knowing – the imperative that we as a people must orientate ourselves fully towards healing and restoration, that we must reclaim our birth right and remember our inherent goodness and beauty…
I would like to reassure you that I am well, and blessed in the support I am receiving on multiple levels, your trust and belief in me the greatest gift that can be offered. That you can believe me when I say “I’ve got this”
How do I talk about the premonition, that the depth of the trauma is relative to the gift I am yet to bring… the bigness of that – which feels somewhat a challenge to accept…
Thankyou for reading – and all my love.
Resources:
- https://csasurvivors.home.blog/
- https://csasurvivors.home.blog/2019/01/17/supporting-a-loved-one-who-is-a-csa-survivor/
- https://thedirtiestsecret.blogspot.com/2008/08/pedophiles-know-dissociationdo-you.html