Hello dear readers, I guess trigger warnings of CSA (Childhood Sexual Abuse) and SRA (Satanic Ritual Abuse) for my post below, so read at your own risk
The last couple of months I’ve been reliving the last chapter of memories from my story of abuse, unbelievable other worldly shit TBH.. but what came through this morning feels important to share ASAP, it came through CRYSTAL clear, and I recorded the somatic process which I’ll publish in the next couple of weeks. The more I speak out the more I break my bonds to my abusers, so speak out I SHALL as this is the last bond to an abuser I have.
THAT I remembered my true CORE abuser! (It’s a bit of a head fuck)
For the last three years I’ve believed it was my ‘father’ Roger, he who trafficked and raped and tortured me, and took me to special parties and rituals where others children were killed and eaten alongside me, this dark warlock who worshipped Lucifer in the shadows and with his hidden and jealously guarded necronomicon whose pages were made of human skin and filled with ancient dark rites.
I already knew I’d been raped thousands and thousands of times, by hundreds of people… that I’d been tortured, been forced to eat the flesh and drink the blood of other children and animals killed alongside me, that I’d been deeply conditioned and rewired as some kind of disassociated sex slave for his network.
However today… as it came through, beyond any shadow of a doubt, my core abuser is my ‘mother’ KAREN – she is even worse than my ‘father,’ it’s just that her false image and unholy bond was even MORE compelling, and before today I’d accepted she was a typical covert-narcissist enabler POS type. And thus cut her out of my life just as I did my father.
The stuff that came through in the two hours of somatic processing / body memories today on my personal beach included:
- Her breastfeeding me while she sexually abused me as a baby
- her AND my father and often their friends/associates raping me together
- me as a boy being forced to penetrate her while my ‘father’ raped me from behind
- her ‘going to town’ at these satanic parties where she fucked everyone she could, also working to subtly undermine my dad in the process (they all abuse each other anyways )
- Her raping me from a two month old baby up until I was 30/31 years old
- how deep my attachment and disassociated state to her was
- her and my ‘father’ pimping me out as their golden/highly responsive child to all of their friends and network, trying to work their way up the levels
- just how MUCH of the golden egg/ticket I was in their plans of advancement into power and influence
- her divorcing my dad once she saw him falling from grace
- her REALLY lusting over me in my late teens and 20’s after I’d joined the marines and had more musculature, also pimping me out to her friends after getting me into a disassociated state, saying how perfect my cock was and other sickening ‘lover’ type dialogue
- Her and my father killing animals and small children that they had payed for, as part of their programme of trying to break me and make me like them
- How she praised Lucifer and Lilith, making sacrifices in the garden to them, asking for favour
- that they raped me together almost every night throughout my childhood
- just how often I was taken to mansions or outdoors setting for rituals and mass rapes/tortures and sacrifices
- how she’d strangle me to almost death, calling me spoilt and ungrateful and how everything she did was for me her “beautiful golden son,” how she wanted to run away with me and how we could be happy together…
- cutting and hurting me and my younger brothers
- eating the flesh of children they’d killed
- the ritual they performed with help of my ‘fathers’ network and family at the time of my conception and birth, trying to call in an ‘elder soul’ as their child to help them gain power and influence AND symbolically strangling me with the umbilical cord
- How bad BOTH of my parents were with money, ESPECIALLY my ‘mother’ who spent the substantial earnings they made by pimping me out to their satanic network.
- just how expertly she wove the narrative against me with her family and the wider world
- how ALL of my family are aware of me being sent away to the mental institute one summer
The female truly can be more deadly than the male it seems… she certainly controlled and manipulated my paedophile abuser sperm donor Roger, even after she divorced him.
And some other things which are outside the scope of this post for now… As it all came pouring out, TBH it didn’t surprise me on one level, but on another I’m reeling as I’m consciously coming to terms with what I already knew on some level.. so a little frazzled, I’ll have a nap in a moment
I am SO close to the end of my remembering and healing, I’ve relived HELL itself, literally… and the things that dwell there
And I’ll close with this, I’ve often said to female survivors who I try and support, that a father who betrays his daughter in such a way, is the single greatest evil its possible to suffer, our sex and parental bonds are THAT sacred…
Now I will admit that a son being betrayed so terribly by his mother, is up there with a daughter being betrayed by her father…
She was so difficult to see, she is my core wound and attachment, and there is a knot of pain behind my heart that is burning and slowly releasing now I’ve seen and remembered such things.
Such betrayals are on some level, more difficult to see, than witnessing murder and mass rapes and being tortured (electrocution, drowning, sharp cutting things etc..)
That is HOW sacred our sex (supposedly between adults) and how sacred the parental bond is.
ALL survivors of CSA and SRA are heroes and have my respect and love. Thankyou for reading