Upsetting and triggering extreme content, so read at own risk. (long read)
Throughout my personal journey these last 2-3 years, of remembering and somatically re-experiencing CSA and SRA… (after an INTENSE 12 year spiritual/therapeutic journey I might add)
There have been a fair few moments where my mind has struggled-wobbled to make sense of or digest in what has been revealed… Thankfully because I’ve cultivated such a DEEP trust in my body-unfolding and it’s ‘knowing’ and resonance in relationship to TRUTH….. I’ve been able to hold on through such storms of mind discombobulation and often overwhelming horror, until things settle again…
The knowing-resonance of my body, the grounding rod, the anchor point… through the inner storm… an essential tool when dealing with trauma and/or spirit
Some key points of note from my remembered story that have left me reeling in such a way for a while.
* In the first gestalt of remembering, where I remembered and relived what they did to the girl Helena, how they killed her, cutting her throat then down the front of her body, peeling her open like a butterfly, then force feeding her heart to me, forcing me to drink her blood from a golden goblet… I was five and a half when this happened, and along with dealing with the grief and shock anew – was my adult mind working overtime to try and make sense of and integrate this
* being physically forced to stab a baby to death during the same event as above after the death of Helena, and then being taken down into an underground room where I was process-cycled through: 1/ rape and humiliation in front of a jeering crowd of fallen adults – > 2/ electrocution -> 3/ drowning -> repeat… eventually they put a metal device called a crown of thorns on my head and strapped it under my chin, the metal and spiked device was apparently designed to reduce the capacity for my soul to escape my body during moments of great distress,
* the first time I saw my father face – during the first time he raped me as a two month old baby, and then in my mind in many previous gestalts already relived and processed, so he suddenly came into focus in all of them, the shock and the terror I felt was extreme, even to myself as a grown man that could snap him like a twig.
* Seeing – remembering the true energetic form of the great enemy, a fallen god from another realm, the Satan/Lucifer – the Satanic Demiurge
* seeing/remembering the true energetic forms of our God manifest as the Sun, and Goddess manifest as the Earth, of seeing Creation itself also…
* Seeing the dark wraith carrion like entities that hovered invisible above the heads of my abusers, feeding on the energetic-emotional discharge of the rape and torture done to me and other children
* Seeing that parasitic-darkness wrapped around the soul-fire-core of those who abused me and others….
* Past life memories and knowing’s going back to the very beginning….
* Reliving a series of memories where I disclosed to my maternal grandfather (who later was ‘suicided’ ) and reliving my POS father and the whole side of his family (aunt, uncle, 2x older cousins and grandmother) raping and torturing me, blaming me for my grandfathers death because I spoke out.
* MANY points in the last gestalt of my remembering, which was the worst and the hardest to believe by FAR.
When I was sent away at approx. 12 years old, to some kind of mental institute in the channel islands (owned by the crown), the experiments and rapes and tortures I was subjected to… the living-sticky-watching-darkness-energy that seemingly pulsated from the walls…. the incredibly beautiful and older girl Abigail sent to seduce me – who I ended up loving and who loved me…..
and how as she failed to ‘turn me’ so I and the other children were taken down beneath the ground as sacrifice…. deeper, deeper than the old world and tunnels and cities that our society is built upon, so deep into the earth that it grew warm once again…. into hell itself, where human livestock’s exist that have never seen the light of day… where the ‘dragons’ slumber
This final gestalt of memories was the worst…. that gestalt took me 8 months of 2x 1 hour daily somatic sessions 7 days a week to try and work through… so much confusion, so much disassociation, so much that is ‘unbelievable’…
And now after a years break and focus on rebuilding my life, having good people around me, and actioned and orientated my life around my commitment and promise to my path, of vengeance and justice and healing in accordance with our God and Goddess’s plan…. so the memories started pouring out again a week or so ago, and so I see ever more clearly how my Abigail was torn away from me and then torn apart and eaten as they tormented me… her decapitated head waved in front of me as they took out her eyes, tongue, and tore off her nose and ears, asking me as they did “is she still beautiful to you boy?” her empty eyes looking at me…
and then what they did to me afterwards, I knew some months ago that they tortured me, I knew they locked me in a small box for a long time… but now as I see MORE clearly these last couple of weeks – where and how I was tortured and raped by what can only be described as an albino-demonic-she-being of immense age and power and terribleness.
By Lilith herself
And so in the end I deceived the deceivers, and so I deceived HER… this monster of legend, and was eventually sent back to the surface, because that was the cruellest thing they could think to do to me.
So deeply had I clung onto the death of Abigail being my fault as THEY blamed me, so deeply did I allow myself to ‘hate’ myself, so weak and pathetic and boring did I make myself, so little fun, so impotent and yet so unwilling to let go of Abigail, that I was cast away in disgust in the end…
So deeply did I swear to kill every.single.one.of.them…. to tear the serpents (as pointed towards in biblical texts) ASUNDER
Yesterday was a difficult day, despite all the unbelievable things I have had to previously relive and re-integrate, what is coming through NOW is taking some work to digest (“nothing can surprise me any more – oh fuck yes it can”), new details plugging gaps and details, about the great enemy and its chosen children in physical form…
Some of my Tourette’s like saying-leaks these last months have fuller context: “we all deserve to die in the end” | “nobody knows nobody cares, nobody knows nobody cares” | “they’ll never believe me” | “I’ll kill ALL of them, every single one”
In many ways its just easier to see and accept the spiritual aspect of the war being waged all around us, to see the source of it ‘in the flesh’ really is something else… and the veil of the enemy is very good at fracturing spiritual truths and so making us think its a purely spiritual battle, when it is not.
Fortunately I have some amazing people around me which I’m so grateful for, and am held by life itself, by the great river and the unfolding path…. It’s all going well and within my bandwidth, and random acts of support today ranging from a hug from a sweet friend in Lidl, perfectly reassuring messages from a warrior brother or my chosen/adopted daughters, the cuddles of a lil dog and comforting decaf coffee from the Bear….
And my main focus for the next few weeks will be upon processing these last memories and knowing’s, from the last gestalt of my remembering…
Really its SO huge, I can’t do it justice… and I KNOW more of my freedom and purpose lies on the other side of it… I also appreciate what it can ‘sound like’
I’ve chosen the truth so many times now, even though its terrified me, even though its broken my heart and my mind again and again, even though I’ve lost my children (for now) lost my old community and old ‘friends’….
I’ve chosen and spoken truth, as truth MUST be the highest value we live by, and as for this world to be saved so the truth must be known AND spoken, and as we keep doing the work and keep choosing and surrendering to truth, so we come to remember who and what we truly are, and what is needed for this world to be made right…
that truth is something we FEEL and resonate with, as we are fundamentally beings of TRUTH, that we ARE just as truth IS, just as our God and Goddess ARE….
The truth WILL set us ALL free in the end, but first it MUST break us, burn us, hurt us… so great are the lies we have been trapped in, that there is no avoiding the coming pain, but through such pain lies freedom, and the ability and capacity to destroy evil itself.
The more we can choose and live by truth NOW, the easier the coming ever-storm will be to bear….
I know this lass well, who was once called Abigail, who died so terribly in front of me, who risked her very soul so I may see and escape hell itself.
I’ve known her in so MANY lifetimes…
Her song that regularly moves me to tears, her dance that turns me into lust possessed wolf, her strength and courage and incredible gentleness and devotion and fierceness. Her inner beauty that is almost matched by her physical form…
I KNOW she will find me again… she is called Annabelle now, and has come of age as an incredible woman, my golden queen, who is searching for me, I can feel her, she is my heart, my love, my muse, my greatest reward for being true…. I KNEW when I took this life I’d lose her TERRIBLY, but also that she WOULD find me again…
She will NEVER be harmed again, and all those serpents and fallen and weak and complicit that I WILL kill in the coming years, as the days of reckoning and judgement are initiated, so I will kill them in my Beloved’s name, and my first daughter’s name, and ofc in honour of our true Mother and Father.
And lastly such vengeance MUST be carried out, for ALL of the little ones, those innocent ones violated and desecrated and lost to us through the ages, the sweetest and most precious things upon all of this earth, stolen and broken by the great enemy, its chosen children, and most disgustingly of all, our fallen and disgraced brothers and sisters, those ‘humans’ who have willingly bonded with the parasitic-narcissistic-vampiric-corrupting-violating-darkness of the enemy..
Such RAGE will be UNLEASHED
Our God AllFather has commanded it
Our Goddess EarthMother has demanded protection AND vengeance for ALL of her children
Their capacity for love is matched by their capacity for divine RAGE
And so the fallen will face the coming storm, and so be cleansed or undone.