Trigger warnings CSA, torture, ritualistic abuse, murder, cannibalism.

Dear fellow survivors, fellow heroes AND brothers and sisters of my heart!

I have had a MASSIVE breakthrough with my story today.. In large part helped by my ongoing seeking of truth and doing the right thing! But also helped by life itself, which when listened to correctly, is like a river carrying one along its path, AND also by two (human) angels in my life watching over and loving me these days.

My story of remembering, which began three years ago, of up until then completely repressed memories of horrific and torturous CSA and ritualistic abuse, which I now know spanned my life from a two month old baby to 31 year old man….

(It’s as out there a story as you can read, but I swear every word is as close to the truth as I can come to, and all of what I speak of has been relived through my body ala body/somatic memories.)

My remembering began and now comes closer to its end, with gestalts involving the horrific deaths of two girls who I loved.

My story started with remembering events that occurred while I lived in Nigeria.

as a five and a half year old boy… during the culmination ritual at the terrible place I was sent away to, after being drugged, gang raped, tortured ever more so, due to their failure to make me like them, their failure to get me to join their fucked up – lucifer worshipping – elite ‘club.’

So they horrifically murdered the girl called Helena, a terrifyingly cold woman cutting her throat and then down the front of her body, peeling her open like a butterfly. Then they force fed me a good potion of her heart, and forced to drink her blood from a golden goblet. My mind shattered at that point, and my soul fled my body. Although eventually they managed to get me to return to my body, when they then forced me to kill a baby boy, and watch on as other children were murdered and harvested in front of me…. only to be taken into the cellar, where I was raped, electrocuted, drowned, humiliated, again and again as the dawn grew near, and their desperation increased to break me before their time ran out.

(It took me a few months of daily processing to somatically relive much of that.)

I was apparently the first child they had failed to break. These professional breakers of children. And so I was sent back to my paedophile so called father, and narcissistic mother.

And the last chapter of my remembering.

which took about 8 months of daily (2x 1 hour self sessions per day) somatic processing to reprocess and remember (for the most part.)

This last gestalt involved me being sent away one summer (for approx one month), I was around the age of 12, and it was to a special school/institution for gifted/challenged children. I know my father had to invoke many favours within his network AND pay a HIGH price to send me to such a place.

In what I relived there, was a terrible Doctor, a ‘nurse’ that helped him, and ongoing horrific conditioning and torture and rapes…. Also what I would call “the darkening” was so palpable there, I could see and feel the darkness itself – infecting the very walls like a living and breathing thing.

At some point a girl, older than me, stunningly beautiful, apparently part of their ‘club’ was introduced to me, and she was used as a means to theoretically seduce me and get under my skin as a confidant, and so to ultimately betray me in the end to thus turn me to them. I can’t really describe what happened between us without sounding too fanciful… But in short she was beyond any doubt my soulmate, she who took this life so she could save me, she loved me, while carrying such sadness and guilt, and in her seduction of me – so we made love instead of her seducing me, in as much as it is possible for children who are in an impossible situation to, and thus she also failed in her mission for them, to play a part in turning me bad.

I relived how at some point, after I resisted their experiments and treatments; they took me into the cellars with some other children, and then into a tunnel that went DEEP into the ground. And down and down I and the other children were taken, where it became warm again due to the depth. The things I saw and experienced there…. were even more extreme and unbelievable than what I have described so far, but in short, the other children died terribly, and towards the end, after I’d been raped again and again and stretched out on a rack for what felt like an eternity, they brought the girl who had helped and loved me, her name was Abigail. The love between us was intense and as before and as now – I did willingly partake in sex with her. And as we were forced together, myself tied down on a device/surface…. well they timed their killing of her as I ‘climaxed’ – as it turns out for her ‘betrayal’ of their cause. And such was the pain of her death, so I was eventually able to ‘escape’ this terrible a place that no one really tends to escape, because *they* could tell the single most cruel thing left to be done to me, was to let me live, so deeply did I hate myself for not being able to protect her and losing her.

I have talked about Wolf in other posts here, and the Wolf within me held onto the knowing that it wasn’t my fault, and even that one day I would avenge Abigail, and all the other children that died there.

But I had learnt from the best, and the best way for a lie to go undetected, was for me to believe it as fully as I could without it destroying me (and it almost destroyed me many times through my life). It was an easy ‘lie’ to believe, as I did blame myself, and hate myself for not being able to protect her, and the pain of seeing her die and how she died and when she died, really was a bit of a head fuck to my young self.

And so after her sacrifice, I was locked in a cramped box for what seemed like a LONG time, while I screamed and ranted and went mad. Eventually I was returned up to the institute. where they drugged me once again and completed their final MKultra like treatment on me, to turn me into an unknowing slave.

I had a knowing through my re-experiencing of these events, that this institution was on one of the channel islands, (vague memories of being on a boat and some other hints and clues) and as I spoke with a couple of my ‘angels’ today… so their curiosity and life and feeling-knowing lead to new revelations.

As an example of the process today, as I described how the outside of the building had white stones on the corner, but also how the wall of the building was white, and that there were trees.

Or how I mentioned two specific islands… But didn’t mention the other island that sounded like the one I mentioned but weirdly slipped my mind.

And wrong guesses led to right guesses, and eventually a particular place on the island of Jersey (not Guernsey or the isle of white as I’d first guessed)

So I saw in the online pictures a friend sent to me (prompted by the other friend) the white wall on one side of the building, and the white (ish) corner stones, and inside the black and white square tiles on the floor, all of which I had just relayed to my friends verbally as they did their internet sleuth investigation work!

Just before this was found, I had seen another building and I literllay said – no the builkding had more like two levels – not four.

As the place was found, (I guess I hadn’t previously had the courage or the headspace to research it for myself).. well it just all clicked into place at once, and intense heat started flushing through my body, with an jabbing and restless energy in my body-core.

It was THE place, I could feel it, I knew it. And had to stop looking at the images and articles that were coming in thick and fast.

haut de la garenne

It is one of the few times, I’ve been able to get an external validation on my story of remembering really in ANY way, of this story of my life that has been so horrific and intense and mind bending.

I’m grateful for today, and so grateful for these angels/friends and their loving support and belief in me, very much so! This last gestalt which in many ways had been on pause for his last year (no somatic processing at least) was the worst one to work through in may ways.

And so my story of remembering begins and ends with the death of a girl that I loved, both loves felt FAR older than one given life, the first girl was a platonic yet deep form of love, the girl when I was approx. 12 was definitely a romantic love, and a particularly potent one at that, even though I was but a boy.

Since my memories stated coming back, I’ve always instinctively known I would heal fully from this, that once the healing process was engaged with fully – that healing wasn’t only likely, but that it was inevitable.

There are stories of this place online, I had never consciously heard of it before. And its on record that many children went missing there, and even children’s bones had been found in the basement there.

I know from what I have relived, that many of these missing children, had actually died terribly, deep beneath the earth.

For myself being identified publicly is not an issue at all. I know they will come to imprison or kill me one day in response to my speaking out publicly as I do, but that IS ok,

I wait eagerly and patiently for them, with my dear friend Wolf.

I know fully why I accepted this life, and what I am here to do. While my story/remembering isn’t over as such, this post does shortly surmise the beginning and end gestalts of my remembering, and I wanted to share this with you – it feels absolutely HUGE. So thankyou for reading, and while I feel resilient and strong these days, your being gentle with me is appreciated, (and I do appreciate how unbelievable it all sounds) .

Some images related to the place.