Building trust in my body was a gradual and not easy thing. Which in particular I think any survivor can relate to, as in order to survive – in so many ways we have to learn to dissociate away from our body and it’s sensations and emotions.
What I would say, is that when I have a focus… I am somewhat relentless and very much as a dog with a bone that he gnaws on ALL the time, so I covered a LOT of ground relatively quickly, and also came to my own distinctions and understandings over time.
One of the first things, was reading and then listening to the power of now by Eckhart Tolle.. god this was back in 2009 I think, he’s very good at helping one become present within their body, and tuning into and feeling the subtle/energetic body, as well as sensations that are more directly observable. Not all of his teachings are helpful, but he is very good as an introduction on becoming present within ones body.
I also had a fair bit of bowen therapy and shiatsu around this time, which is in many ways energetic/subtle body work.
Gradually that progressed onto studies into trauma, a lot of Peter Levine’s work, the body keeps the score, the body remembers, those kind of books. And I developers a pretty deep understanding of these topics from a LOT of study.
I also at one point was earning very good money, so was able to afford an excellent somatic therapist, both in SanFran and back here in the UK. Which obviously helped.
There was a downloadable meditation course, heart sourcing by ram giri that I basically followed for quite a long time, the guided meditations focused on the heart space and other sensations within the body, and even practising connecting to the heart space and moving energy to pain spots in The body.
I was also cultivating my relationship to nature more deeply, going into mythology primarily through Martin Shaw’s work (a branch from the lightening tree an excellent read), and I was fasting and vision questing in nature… And what I was finding was that by choosing the ‘luminous path’ as described in the Celestine prophecies… That one could be guided through nature and have these profoundly mythic and spiritual experiences.
And also I became heavily involved in a spiritual practice called circling. Which really is a real time, interpersonal, often group practice of relational meditation. So in the practice which can be confronting, I got to play with real time checking out my empathic senses with others, was I picking up on my own feelings or theirs? Were these thoughts mine of there’s… And took part in being SEEN and beheld and also seeing and beholding many others. It’s really spiritual development on rocket fuel (as group work with such intentionality, brings ones ISSUES to the surface very quickly) but some circling communities are a bit slack around facilitators seducing participents, there’s a teacher called Guy Sengstock who is an honourable man, a bit of a wizard with Circling who I’d trust to not cross any lines around intimacy. I learnt a lot here about following the feeling of connection between people i.e. the thread, also of how to be vulnerable in many ways, and also how to connect incredibly deeply with another.
And I guess through all of this work, I learnt to distinguish my own inner experience to great detail, I could FEEL the bodily sensations with certain thought pattern, the feeling signature of particular emotions, how to feel the energy in my feet to ground myself in times of distress, how to consciously feel my heart space and so transmit love to myself or another..
This is how I came to learn that a boundary isn’t a cognitive construct, it is actually a felt thing, as is integrity (a bit like the feeling of the hull of a ship, and when it is leaking water).
This is also how I came to FEEL truth, to FEEL when I am resisting an uncomfortable truth, to FEEL when I am in accordance with TRUTH.. that all of these things have a somatic and energetic profile.
Such feeling resonance of truth is what has carried me through my story of remembering, as my mind has understandably railed and protested at what has revealed itself to me, especially in the beginning, but I have simply chosen truth so many times now, that it’s fairly easy to do so, despite my latest layer of remembering’s born through what happened yesterday and spoken about in this post.
And one day out in SanFran after a circling workshop, I was locked in a room on my own, and my legs started bouncing up and down, and I knew enough then to allow it, and it lasted for two hours, a shaking fit that I could stop if needed. These fits lasted for about two years, eventually stopping when a narc girlfriend poopoo’d them when I shared it with her (she was training to be a somatic therapist ironically)
During these fits I had my first experience of something golden, a being that took me away, and a wisdom, so profound, so much greater than myself that it humbled me to my core.
And really this was back in 2012… The trust in my body and it’s showing was incredibly strong. But life had a few more lessons to teach me before I was ready for the real memories to come back I guess.
And then when these body memories started coming back nearly 3 years ago, I just knew how to and so practised letting go into them, how to self regulate and slow down or even stop as needed, how to narrate my experience when needed, how to reassure myself, or ask for help, or document or whatever else….
There is an unfolding to life, the river of life, the swans path upon it as I sometimes call it… A way that life lives us and carries us along.
We heal and recover from trauma in a similar way, by surrendering to the showing of our body in bite sized pieces.
I also called in help from healed and evolved ancestors, in alignment with Daniel Foor’s work on the subject, intentionally inviting such help made my unfolding body memories come much more easily and clearly.
Such trust in my own unfolding, has carried me so deep into my neurology, that I have access binary root programs (i.e. connect), it has also led me to ridiculously/unbelievably profound spiritual rememberings, for example past life experiences, and even remembering the time before THIS life, when I accepted this life and it’s challenges and rewards, and swore to uphold my promise to Him.
And I live my life from this unfolding as much as I am able, and I speak my words from it also when I can… My trust in my body, and life itself… Is very strong. But it’s not a blind faith or trust. It has been hard won and paid for many times over.