Dear men and women, in this video I share more of my journey through the remembering through my body of my previously repressed trauma from #CSA and #ritualisticabuse
This was about 3 weeks after the first treatment, and about 2 weeks after my melt down that had resulted in me stabbing a knife into a chopping board. There is 20 mins of footage, during this time I knew I was under 10 years old. I now know I was around 5.5 years old.
TRIGGER WARNING: I RE-EXPERIENCE quite severe rape, I’m pretty sure when I’m choking up and coughing up is when they are ejaculating forcibly down my throat, there is also a lot of choking noises from me being strangled and choked to get my mouth open / hurt me.
Trauma / somatic body memory footage starts at: 17:05
And finishes at: 36:41
With the strange noises at the end, I know now with hindsight that was the man I later came to know as the beast, the bad cop element of the professional breakers of children,
If you want to doubt my word, if you want to doubt my story, if you want to doubt my sense making, then watch this all the way through, and honestly ask yourself afterwards if you find my sense making or capacity / character to be lacking
This episode was triggered as a result of me consciously and intentionally asking for aid from my healed and evolved ancestors.
I just knew since such body memories were freed, that I had to document it – ofc my abusers would say I’m desperate for attention or need to be special.
You see at the end of the footage that I consciously stopped the process due to it being too intense.
Making up what happened to me. Most other than my abusers or family don’t doubt that horrific things happened to me as a child.
Almost all doubt me about wolf and my purpose is this life. Who I say I am
“Why talk about it – is it just for attention? Isn’t it a bit personal? I’m oversharing / trauma dumping!”
How about you see me true, and recognise I offer myself and my story up, see how I let go of my need for privacy or modesty, I know I will be attacked and ridiculed.
I speak out and share because it is so visceral, so clear, and also so illustrative of how the body naturally releases and heals from trauma.
How about instead of such unhelpful judgements you come to see my courage, my conviction, my devotion to healing, my commitment to truth no matter how terrible it might be
I am willing sacrifice – the shame isn’t mine, its theirs!
Not an exact recall of time passage.
Maybe it seems on occasion like I’m exaggerating on purpose ‘for attention’ maybe if you can come to watch this 20 minutes you will appreciate how slowly the time can pass sometimes. During such recalled trauma it can be difficult to recall exact details such as passage of time or faces or other details, such ‘inaccuracies’ which abusers and courts like to use to pick apart the fractured accounts of victims
To do the right thing, no matter the cost
To seek truth, no matter how terrible
- MAPS.org (website for Multidisciplinary Association for Psychedelic Studies, they also have a podcast)
- www.reddit.com/r/mdmatherapy/ (an excellent subreddit in which you can get any question answered surrounding MDMA assisted therapy)
- Book: “The Body Keeps the Score” by Bessel van der Kolk
- Book: “Waking the tiger” by Peter Levine
- Book: “Healing Trauma” by Peter Levine
- Book: “The language of emotions” by Karla MacKlaren
- Book: “When the body says no” by Gabor Mate
- Book: “The body remembers” by Babette Rothschild
- Book: “Ancestral medicine” by Daniel Foor
- https://thedirtiestsecret.blogspot.com/2008/08/pedophiles-know-dissociationdo-you.html (a horrifying aspect of CSA which we ALL need to be informed about)
- https://csasurvivors.home.blog/2020/01/10/the-false-memory-myth-memory-repression/ (excellent blog covering most aspects of CSA)
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