WARNING: Upsetting and unsettling content, read at your own risk.
Please read *1-9 before reading this.
So the other posts, to be honest haven’t felt as if they took courage to post, although admittedly – afterwards I was often paralysed by anxiety… the posting itself was relatively easy when measured against the wider process and what it involves.
This post IS hard, it bumps up against fears, fears expertly programmed and embedded in me, hurt-child fears of being hunted down and chopped up, fears of being locked away never again to emerge, fears of being regarded as fundamentally evil, fears of coming to terms of what I did – of what they made me do….
As I swirled around and down in the great lake behind the dam, carried by slow yet powerful currents… down and down I went, sinking deeper towards the DARK MOON, buried in the soil and silt at the very bottom.
I have questioned if the DAM, manifested in my body around my solar plexus was due to pure body tension, tension born of my body being folded in half as I was raped and assaulted during “the last breaking” my head forced down between my legs, throat and chest constricted by incredible pressure, a slow UN-escapable death, intermittent strangulation and suffocation, intermittent reversing into arching back and concurrent assault of my mouth, my jaw being forced open… but returning again and again to being folded in half, unable to breathe, my middle body impossibly compressed. Strange animal like squeals and wines escaping when they could.
I have questioned if the DAM is a resistance, a resistance to feeling something, a resistance to what they did, to what I suffered, a resistance that kept me alive, but kept a part of me dead after I was freed?
I have asked “what must I see”, “what must I understand” for the DAM to crumble and for the incredible forces/energy/water trapped behind it to be finally set free.
During my time in the lake – reservoir, I have questioned myself, questioned the process and its wisdom, and so the process stalled, it slowed…
As of this week I have realised I must trust ALL of my experience, to not question it on any level, nor discount aspects into easy to digest psychological terminology… these approaches simply have not served – to trust myself totally is the only way I feel sane… as horrifying as that is.
I must trust myself more than anything or anyone else, that is the only way out of this, I feel the truth of that in my bones.
And so the process has picked up speed once again, as this last week I have invited trusted people, to sit with me in process, as I allow my body to show what it will. As I have neared the DARK MOON for another round, so an external sense of safety was needed, safety born of presence and witnessing and positive regard of another – my funds insufficient for a therapist to attend me daily, and my own holding no longer enough for what draws near.
THE DARK MOON
A constellation of painful and dark occurrences, during which it seems at some point – caused my mind to shatter, to fragment… This is the DARK MOON (to the best of my knowledge at this time).
I am not entirely sure at what specific point, of the terrible crescendo of the “special party” – that my mind broke so many years ago. A breaking that manifested throughout my adult life as (total repression of the trauma), other memory problems, dissociation, impulsive – Tourette’s like outbursts in reaction to any perceived mistake I made “stupid fucking cunt” followed by “I’ll kill you”… (or words to that affect)
The constellation of the DARK MOON involves me fighting for her, watching her killed, watching what they did to her body, being force fed and fleeing my body – carried away somehow by someone/thing golden – then forcibly being returned, and then defying them! Defying them as a terrified yet furious boy, “you will never break me” “you are all pathetic” “you shouldn’t of killed her, she’s just a little girl” I cried out – and so the last breaking began, led by “the beast”, a large and powerful brute of a man, with inhuman rage, taking exception to my defying of them – of him, wanting to break, submit and seemingly kill me … He of jutting jaw, bulging eyes, dog like tongue and demented enjoyment of what he wrought….
As of a couple of days ago, I finally got to re-experience what I ad so far only had premonition of, what lay at the end of the “last breaking” but BEFORE the mind control and manipulation (that I have already re-experienced through body) – in which they programmed me to believe that all that had happened was my fault, that I had to lock away Wolf inside me, that he had made me do such terrible things, that they had tried to stop me, and that if anyone ever found out what I’d done – I would surely be locked away, the inherent badness and evil in me apparent to everyone…
I got to re-experience, once again… through the enacting of my body as if possesed, my body being folded in half, the ongoing fight to breath, the continual urge to vomit, the fear and terror, the helpless anger, the terrible weariness, the slow – seemingly unending death that never came…
At some point, the beast took a knife, and held it against my throat while he raped me, he said he would kill me, and then chop me up, like they had done to the girl before… he said that “no one talked to him like that” and so on…
He put my right hand on the knife hilt, his hand crushingly over mine, and held the knife to himself, “you want to kill me” – he said (in re-experincing it was spoken through my mouth, guttural of voice and not of me), “but you cannot, you are too weak, too helpless”, “you couldn’t save her, and you cannot save yourself”….
And then they carried over a baby, a black baby, and laid the poor little mite on my right side, and forcing my hand the knife sawed and hacked down, eventually separating the head from the body… Then, reversing the grip, the knife was forced down, again and again, stabbing into the little body…
At some point my groomer came to me, the “good cop” …. in his soft soothing voice – “Daniel what have you done!”, “we tried to stop you” and so the words continued, spoken out of my mouth but not of my voice, the imprint, the recording stored in my body revealing itself…
As this psychological onslaught continued – I was struck with such a strong feeling sense, that I as a five and a half year old boy would of walked up to a crib and under my own sway murdered a babe… I had to anchor myself strongly in what I had just re-experienced, in ALL that I had re-experienced to know I would not / could not of done such a thing… but the feeling-sense was so strong it shook me, a (conditioned) feeling-sense born of the conditioning and programming I suffered at the very end…
The adult me held onto the fact I was no more guilty of murdering that baby, than a person thrown off a cliff was guilty of jumping… the torn and wounded child part inside me cried out, one part manically shaking its (my) head, “oh shit, oh shit”, “no,no,no,no…” The other part – feeling and identifying with the conditioned embedded memory, and blaming self…
This resistance VS self blame, the perfect binding knot within me I have carried since… This is the DAM, unwilling to accept that I could of done such a thing – yet blaming myself, BELIEVING THE LIES at the same fucking time.
This was only the first round of re-experiencing of this specific part of the event….. there will be other rounds until I have dug deep enough, relived deeply enough for the DAM to be compromised enough to break, and for the trapped water behind to break free.
I have been feeling alone, since this session…. At times OK, but the pain of the DAM which I have carried my whole life is now larger – more conscious, the scab has been removed! The “telling” on myself forcing that in me which would deny it to be exposed… forcing only ONE way, acceptance of what happened and ultimately integration and release of this knot… what I hope to be the biggest block left inside me.
It’s not there yet, but it’s coming – the breaking of the DAM…. And after that, for sure some integration work to be done.
And after that – hopefully a chance to live life with a freedom promised but not yet realised.
IF you want to see an earlier video example of the type of bodily re-experincing I am talking about, below is a video from post #9 (all the posts are public on my profile page if you’re really bored)
Thankyou for reading