WARNING: Upsetting subject matter, read and engage with at your own risk.
* IF you watch the video, I’d suggest reading the video description, it has time stamps among other things, be aware the volume jumps up in the re-experiencing section of the video – apologies for my editing skillz
WHAT RE-EXPERIENCING TRAUMA CAN LOOK LIKE
The best modality I am aware of to describe my process AND the content of the video below, is “somatic experiencing” (suggested reading, Peter Levine – waking the tiger)
I first became able to initiate my own somatic experiences around 2011, where I was stateside in San Fran, doing courses and helping to facilitate courses based upon presence and conscious communication.
After one weekend I attended, following my deepening sense of trust in intuition and bodily showing, I locked my self in my room down on Folsom Street, and proceeded to have some kind of a shaking fit which lasted for about an hour and a half…
These fits continued to occur for the following two years or so, starting with my legs and feet bouncing up and down, then working up through my body in strange spasms, and eventually noises escaping my mouth and even strange, ghost like – felt senses.
One felt sense during this time, was that at some point I had been taken away from my body, by something golden, by some incredible intelligence…. on one hand I interpreted that as a representation of the wisdom of my body… on another it was the closest I had felt to the divine.
These fits would only occur when I was exercising strong personal boundaries, when I had a safe room to use free of disturbance, and when I was feeling in tune with myself and my bodily intuition. It needed active surrender to my body, and the fits could be stopped at any time if needed – I felt very much in control AND in awe of my body.
These fits unfortunately stopped due to some painful/unhelpful opinions from “loved ones”, which ended up shutting me and my ability to connect to “it” down.
Fast forward to 2020, and with a culmination of a loving partner, my mens group, therapeutic support, a good home, friends and a general sense of stability in my life which I had never really had before… about 10.5-11 weeks ago I started having similar fits, but with a difference..
Now the fits, as the hours passed, increasingly took on form – as if my body was being moved, positions, noises, words, disbelief, pain and so on…
The footage in the video below was recorded on day 12 (of 80ish), to get to that point, I had already had around 17 hours of active re-experiencing…. And at this point NOW in the process (day 80+), I have over 200GB of recorded video, which I estimate to be around 90ish hours… probably more – of a similar style to what you can see in video of this post.
Some of the 200GB of recorded footage is less intense, some of it is much worse.
The process of surrendering to my body, of letting the movements trapped withing me unfurl, or unfold…. has been both beautiful (in appreciation of myself and the process) AND terrible…
I have felt SO clearly, that I am working towards healing AND completion of the trauma that is trapped in my body…
There are several KEY chapters I have replayed again AND again….. spiralling around and down…. each layer working through deeper levels of trapped tension and associated movement, of eventual spoken words OR of my face reflecting the faces of my abusers…. layers of feelings, emotions, sensations, and memory have gradually been excavated from the proverbial archaeological dig site of my body…. I have felt like a detective, working my way along a trail – gradually making more and more sense of what happened to me, terrible revelation after terrible revelation…
EVERY SINGLE THING you see me write about, has been “re-experienced” through my body in a manner such as is shown below.
My MIND could play tricks for sure, or be mistaken…. but over the tens upon tens of hours – I am beyond certain that the body doesn’t lie, and that it keeps the score.
IF you watch the video please bear in mind:
- You WILL need some grit and determination to get through watching it.
VIDEO (to be re-uploaded)
— How to support on FACEBOOK —
If you read this post and watch the video. Please consider just leaving a supportive comment, I’m happy to answer any questions you might have… AND give a like/love/care etc… basically just leave a mark that you have been here, if nothing else it helps the algorithm bump the post, and on top of that – certainly registers as support for me personally.
And THANKYOU for reading, getting this far with me.
And thankyou to the friend who messaged this morning after reading/watching my first attempt to post this last night. I was moved to tears by his support.
Resources:
* https://csasurvivors.home.blog/
* https://csasurvivors.home.blog/2020/01/10/the-false-memory-myth-memory-repression/
* https://csasurvivors.home.blog/2019/01/17/supporting-a-loved-one-who-is-a-csa-survivor/
* https://thedirtiestsecret.blogspot.com/2008/08/pedophiles-know-dissociationdo-you.html