(For further context on how I arrived here, please read #1-6)

WARNING: upsetting/disturbing post. Read at your own risk!

Well holy moley… Where to start with this one…. I guess I want to preframe that for THIS post: ALL is welcome. It was necessary in previous posts (due to my level of resilience and my place in the process) to request restraint if you had a response come up that might feel unhelpful to me. That is withdrawn – open season mofo’s – all is welcome, bring the doubt, bring it all, but respectfully please! (I will try to answer as skillfully as I can.)

I am in the (un) fortunate position these last week’s, in which my life and all of its challenges are now making perfect sense. I have proactively been working on “my issues” for around 12 years now, if I listed all the modalities I’ve used to try and get to the bottom of things you’d find it quite easy to consider me a “workshop junkie”. A few include, NLP, hypnosis, timeline therapy, person centred therapy, somatic therapy, somatic experiencing, body based awareness meditation, conscious communication (circling), TRE, the eye movement thingy etc…

Going to preframe that the things I’m going to share in this post are waaay out there, you may find it hard to believe…. To put it mildly.

So about 8 weeks ago, through a therapeutic intervention I was able to open an internal door long held forceably shut about half way, I had a few days of my body enacting scenes ala somatic experiencing… That were different from the years of shaking fits and other phenomenon which I had previously experienced… They had a form, I took on very distinct positions, making very distinct noises, movements etc….

Over the hours as I observed myself in what I was enacting, it dawned on me that I was unquestionably being raped, on this occasion by 3-4 people, in both ends, who seemed to have the intention to break me/my spirit.

I then had about five weeks of intensely reliving the PTSD that I had carried my whole life, the high/low point being me incredibly hyper vigilant, where all of reality seemed to conform to enforce the legitimacy of my state. Subsequently a disregulation and outburst, where I was anticipating in total paranoia the police, neighbors and so on, coming to get me and on one hand being prepared to fight to the death…. on the other hand seeing my own death, at the end of a tunnel, or a water flume…. If I’d of take a step forward I would of been swept on to that outcome in a short amount of time. Luckily due to my previous experiences, and knowing that it would pass, I held firm for dear life until it did.

After this had settled, I managed (my second attempt in recent days) to get myself signed off work, and made sure during the rest of (the five weeks) that I was as sedentary as possible to ensure no further disregulation.

During my self imposed hermitage, I had one other episode, Partner was there to witness it. I was replaying a deeper loop of that initial event above.. where I was once again being raped in both ends. Of particular note, the new depth of re-experiencing allowed me to feel the forcefulness and extent that my mouth/throat was being raped, caused me to gag/want to vomit to an extent that was incredibly uncomfortable.

At the end of the five weeks I had another session which flung the door wide open.

Most noticeable initially, in the next level of re-experiencing… was the voice I started speaking (surprised me when it happened) in a tonality and pitch that did not feel like me.

Language pattern progressively included:
*It’s not your fault – I just couldn’t help it
*You’re such a dirty little boy
*It’s all your fault – you made me do it
*Good Boy you’re such a good boy
*This is our special little secret, if you tell anyone I’ll kill your parents, then do this (rape) to your brother, then kill him aswell..
*You stink, your stench is overwhelming, no wonder your parents don’t love you anymore.
*We are doing this to cleanse you of your dirtiness, of your badness, we are trying to make you good, so your parents can love you again and you can return home.
*One day IF you are lucky and listen VERY carefully, you could be helping children like I am helping you
*You love XYZ don’t you “yes”
*You can keep this special little secret cant you “yes”

So it felt extremely grooming/manipulative/progressive/practised in nature. “The voice” as I came to call my groomer/handler Sebastian… Other significant characters emerged including the beast/animal/John, the knife wielding woman/bitch and my finder.

Over the last three weeks in particular, I have been re-experiencing it daily, in particular last week, sealed up in the house alone, I’d be working through it for up to 10 hours a day. So loads more insight has come available to me.

*There were a series of rapes in my young life, xyz, xyz, xyz and 5.5 years old.
*The series of events at 5.5 years was “the worst”
*Strangulation, suffocation, choking happened often during 5.5 events.
*My jaw was continuously manipulated and assaulted, possibly with some type of belt, often under great pressure as my mouth was forced open.
*I fought harder than I could of believed was possible.
*they threatened my younger brother (an easier target) if I didn’t play the game, so eventually I became passive, wanting to protect my brother and my family. (But they didn’t break me)
*ABSOLUTELY Nothing to do with my parents, but through people who gained trust and then access to me, who were extremely manipulative and practised in their “art”.

  • The last two sets of incidents happened whilst living in Africa, mostly expat perpetrators.
    *The life long self loathing/hatred/disgust has mostly gone and I’m tending to regard myself/boy as somewhat of a hero.
  • 14-15 people went through me at one end or the other at a particular time during “the special party” (1-2 day long ordeal)
    *On completion of the party, my mind was seemingly reprogrammed, again with a high level of competency.

The REALLY bad stuff…. At some point I became aware of a girl, a year or two older than me, I loved her, she suffered as I did. And they made me watch her have her throat slit and body cut open. Around this time my mind seems to of shattered and I was taken out of my body…

I suspect that I may of been forced to kill a baby, or the girl… Hand forced upon a knife, their hand over mine and sawing down… Likewise I was forced to drink blood and eat flesh. (Don’t worry too much, I’m vegan these days).

There were times under the “care” of the beast that were incredibly brutal, especially when I defied him and them all after they had killed the girl.

But probably harder to integrate were times I was almost in ecstatic bliss, at the hands of my handler. That fucked my head up for a little while. The contrast of pain and pleasure, the ongoing near death chokes and “relief”…. Seems to be so incredibly well orchestrated and planned for the peak where the girl was murdered so terribly.

Obviously it felt “ritualised”, the special party culminating in her death… Their main narrative to me being that I was a very special boy, that what they were doing was to get the dirtiness and darkness out of me, so I could return home to my parents, so they could love me again…

I’d like to reassure you that I am doing fine, and that I had help through this process/experience on multiple levels – most difficult to describe… Whether it be considerd fragments of my own phyce that took on particular forms and personalities to get me through the ordeal…. Or maybe, just maybe I really did receive some kind of help on a spiritual level..

I do know there is no way I should be alive. The trauma should of manifested as a chronic disease by now.

Another dark night or two has been spent worrying if I might of carried out such abuse myself, possibly unconsciously, almost as if I was sleep walking – putting the same evil out into the world. I felt very strongly that was not true ( I have always felt such a kinship with children, and fiercely protective of them), but had to sit with it, uncomfortable as it was… I realised that when they killed the girl, I rejected them totally, I also realise that if things had gone different, their programming of me might of been successful one day (horrifying thought).

I also realised that my violaters themselves, must of been victims at some point.

So I guess this all feels very exposing and vulnerable…

The reason it feels so important to share this level of detail?…. Is twofold:

1/ I have felt through this week, as the process has stumbled and slowed in ways, that to clear certain blocks and tensions in MY body, real world action must be taken. For my throat to be clear…. So I must speak. I know some people are not ready for this, but I have no room to care for others (at the expense of myself) right now, I’ve been doing that my whole life. Now I care for myself.

2/ there are so many other people that have suffered such terrible things, and I know now HOW hard it is to speak out about it. Especially when not all the memories, facts or whatever are in place to give a full chronological and factual timeline of events. I hope to inspire others in sharing their story to the right people at the right time… But to know it is possible!

I do trust at some point all will be revealed to me. But I am still in the journey (nearing its end I think), I have plenty of professional and social help.

I have NO problem now owning that I have had (chronic) PTSD for most of my life… Before I saw fully what caused my pain – I was resistant to taking on that label.

My path moving forward is threefold.

*Share my experience, raise awareness, support others and receive support.

*Find a way to help those carrying trauma, possibly through further training and offering therapy, possibly something else…

*To give a message to the violators, and to stand also for their healing. To let them (that practice such rituals) know that the thing they think they worship is not what they perceive it to be, that their souls are in danger, that they must come back to the light, to recognise that what they have done is evil, to repent, make some kind of amends before they die.

And of course campaigning for the need of proper upholding of laws and suitabe detainment of those who take action following their urges, to protect society from them, and hopefully allow some kind of restorative work to begin to be done.

It is time for me to share this, I hope no fuses were blown in the reading of it. Much love, and thankyou for being on this journey with me!

* https://csasurvivors.home.blog/
* https://csasurvivors.home.blog/2020/01/10/the-false-memory-myth-memory-repression/
* https://csasurvivors.home.blog/2019/01/17/supporting-a-loved-one-who-is-a-csa-survivor/
* https://thedirtiestsecret.blogspot.com/2008/08/pedophiles-know-dissociationdo-you.html