For the last six or seven weeks, it is as if I have been in the river.
This began as a door, long forcibly closed, and for good reason, opened half way… and thus I fell into a shallow, rocky stream.
This shallow stream lasted for around five weeks, I intensely relived the PTSD I have carried for so much of my life, the coping mechanism of repression and avoidance, born of urgent need and survival. Seeking desperately to be healed – but unwilling to be shown until all was ready.
This time was a constant battle against my temperature which threatened to rise at the merest provocation, I became sedentary, barely moved, self medicated, in a type of agony, but knowing that I was now in the river, and that swifter waters were coming.
At this point I was floating in the shallows of the river, slowly, inexorably being dragged along, bumping against rocks and boulders, getting stuck at times with water flooding my mouth, but moving forward, as the rocks scraped my back raw, but moving forward still….
Then the door was fully opened, the unfolding quickened, not just body story, but premonitions, hints of memories, visions, voices… and the rocky shallow stream became an open, free flowing river.
Each day, this last couple of weeks has been like a chapter in a book, a daily routine, a somatic re-experiencing, a conclusion, a realisation, an integration, the trusting ears of the few that were able to follow me to this point – helping the integration and sense making – listening and believing and trusting in me, in the river. A new chapter started the next day, guided by a wisdom, so profound that it cannot just be of my body – that only allowed what was ready to be seen, to what depth it was able to be seen, and so it was shown. But each day deeper, each day more terrible, more beautiful.
I floated down the river, carried above, and below, and the river gradually picked up speed. Re-experiencing – revelation – integration… again and again…
As of today, I AM the river, and I flow down ever more to the far off lake below, expansive and wide, glittering sunlight on its azure surface. No longer am I merely trusting and surrendering to the river, now I actively enable the process, my hands, my intuition – assisting the flow, carving into the river bank if needed, positioning me to catch optimal flow…
I am in the relative calm before the final storm, the river has slowed some, as I heal, repair, allow new skills, taught to me by the greatest of teachers, to embed and flourish…
There are rapids ahead, and a water fall of experience so immense it caused my mind to shatter so long ago, that is the heart of it all, the black moon, but I will be ready, I am becoming ready for the dizzying drop and for its depths.
The lake is coming closer, and with it a freedom I have longed for yet barely recognised as possible. Healing is not only possible for those carrying trauma, it is necessary.
I WILL be helping others…. after I reach the lake, and have had time to rest.