I am learning many things about trauma these days, and I already considered myself pretty well educated on the topic. Both from theory, and from significant practice and experience.

I am learning how incredibly deep, the imprint of a traumatic experience is stamped in ones physiology, ones mind. I already knew that the lack of mobility in my lower back, or inflexibility of my ankles, the grinding of the discs in my neck, or the constant strain to hunch my shoulders, the tension in my jaw…. or any other number of impressions were symptoms of the trauma – forming a shape and a story which a skilled investigator could track and follow.

But I see now how truly deep they go, layer upon layer, down and round we go, the body’s wisdom, and possibly something else? Guides the unfolding, the unfurling of the organism, once connection and safety and trust has been established.

I realise the words and phrases I have spoken habitually, have actually been embedded there like a recording – of things that were said to me. Or movement, or personal story or any other number of things – stand out like glowing clues in the dark for those with the eyes to see.

I am regaining my eyes to see, ever more clearly in others, as layer upon layer unfolds of the story trapped inside. And frozen resources, memories, sensations and movements are released.

Movements of the body, in which I am the observer, not the leader – movements telling a story, that minute by minute, hour by hour lead to a conclusion unable to avoid.

I am learning that things can happen to us, that cause our mind to shatter, like a plane of glass dropped on the floor. I am also learning – that through following the process, those pieces can be slowly drawn back together.

I am learning that help is there, whether believed to be in imagination or projection of an aspect of the self OR beings from another place, guiding and helping the process of healing.

I am learning that trauma is MEANT to be healed, not matter how horrific or terrible it might be, and that with some help and safety and connection and trust…. the outcome is inevitable.

I am learning that trauma, in far more of a profound way that I had ever imagined, is both the most terrible of initiations AND the greatest opportunity for growth, healing and connection to ALL that is.

I am learning that at times in the process of re-experiencing, release and reintegration; an un-initiated observer might consider one on the path to be mad or crazy. But if the one trusts in self and the process, trusting without becoming attached to meaning – it carries us past these moments. And such un-trusting observers must be moved to the side.

I am learning that whatever is done to us, that something remains, a shard, like a candle in the darkness – that can never be harmed.

I am seeing again that learning to enact boundaries, on every level – and being unwilling to hide from ones truth – is directly proportionate to how deep one can go in the process.

Grateful for all who are helping and supporting me at this time, and grateful for myself and the incredible strength and wisdom that has allowed me to survive and arrive at this place.